1. Bread is an excellent napkin.
2. Toilet paper is not nearly as optional as the army would have you believe.
3. Gun oil never comes off your hands.
4. Gun oil on your hands helps you remember your gun.
5. You actually can take all joy out of food.
6. Exactly how much spit the average soldier produces.
7. I can’t sing Middle-Eastern music well.
8. No one can really sing Middle-Eastern music will.
9. The kind of car you own is important to assholes everywhere, not just in Jersey.
10. There are no curses that are entirely out of bounds in Hebrew.
11. Ants rule the world.
12. Give anyone some power and they will act like they deserve it.
13. Having a watch, a notebook, and a pen will make you the best soldier in .02 Basic.
14. Stray Cats have no fear.
15. If you drop anything in the bottom of a dumpster, the smell will never come out.
16. Fresh bullet shells are very hot, especially on the back of your neck.
17. An hour disappears much faster when you are on break.
18. An hour drags on forever when the people who are suppose to replace you on guard duty are late.
19. How to assemble and disassemble a lot of Vietnam era equipment.
20. American equipment does not last 40 years.
21. Slipknots, lots and lots of slipknots.
22. Girls look hot in shooting positions.
23. Israelis love to talk about their mother’s cunt.
24. Shit doesn’t decompose as fast as you think.
25. 15 minutes is not enough time to brush your teeth, shave and shine your shoes.
26. Black people in Israel don’t have rhythm.
27. It’s a lot harder to remember 15 people than you think.
28. Musical Theatre does not exist in Israel.
29. Cottage cheese can look like very unhealthy diarrhea when coming from a bag
30. Chocolate milk from a bag can single handedly make your day.
31. How violent someone will get over the last bag of chocolate milk.
32. It is exactly half as violent as they will get over the last burekas.
33. The Druze males do not clean.
34. No one actually cleans.
35. A helmet makes a decent pillow.
36. A hot canteen of tea is an amazing seat warmer.
37. How to “fix” a tent with some string and a pair of safety scissors.
38. It takes 15 half-willing recruits and two exasperated seargents to put up a tent.
39. How many Israeli soldiers it takes to change a lightbulb. 3 one to change it, and two to convince the commander that dressing in the dark is dangerous enough to warrant a lightbulb.
40. It doesn’t rain in Israel, it only floods.
41. No matter how wet you are, you will dry off.
42. Washing 600 dishes will make you wet again.
43. It is never cold enough to fart outdoors without consequences.
44. There is always something wrong with the way you’re dressed/standing/talking.
45. Everything leaks.
46. Israelis have acronyms for everything, they are the kings of abbrevs.
47. The exact melody of every commander’s ringtone.
48. How to recognize a commander (hint, they are usually girls).
49. There is Israeli Military Jail.
50. Apparently, it’s a lot nicer than my base.
51. A damp piece of plastic can be your best friend in the rain.
52. Don’t get sick in the army.
53. Exactly how to look like you’re carrying a gun.
54. You can salute an officer without your gun and get away with it if you’re a clown.
55. It takes someone who doesn’t know me exactly two weeks to figure out I’m a clown.
56. Commanders have few options of dealing with complete douchebags.
57. It’s hard to focus on a sexual harassment talk when your officer is smoking hot.
58. I don’t recognize the gravity of heavy words in Hebrew.
59. Commanders losing their composure and smiling is the most endearing thing they can do.
60. No matter how badass and grown up you feel after an army course, you still make T-shirts.
61. I can rant, rave and curse in English all I want.
62. Take a lot of food, you’ll never know what is surprisingly inedible.
63. They slowly start taking away the edible stuff as basic progresses.
64. You start calling weird things “Fresh,” like the processed chocolate spread we get for snacks.
65. It always hurts to throw out full trays of food, no matter how bad it is.
66. The way you get what you need in Israel is to be a pain in the ass.
67. Cut at least 3 minutes off the time you tell Israelis (Dooley’s worse).
68. Nothing quite like a shower full of naked guys howling Israeli love songs.
69. You can take an M-16 into the shower.
70. How to say, “stop or I’ll shoot” in Arabic.
71. That some serious Israeli phrases sound like gibberish. I.E. “Tafseek Lazooz” means stop moving and is usually said in a very harsh tone.
72. Israeli girls are anything but polite.
73. Politeness isn’t a thing here.
74. Pissing inside empty tents is a thing here.
75. The smell of piss doesn’t go away.
76. Disassembling your weapon in the freezing rain and mud is never fun.
77. Fuckups are totally lovable.
78. Sunny and 70 degrees and hurricane weather are apparently 5 minutes apart.
79. Sometimes the M-16 feels like a 3kg necklace.
80. Israelis are obsessed with English movie quotes and rap songs.
81. .02 basic is a bunch of little bitches.
82. Israelis still read print.
83. Seeing an Israeli flag still fills me with pride.
84. I will be asked “Why are you here?” or “How old are you?” every 5 minutes.
85. All the stock phrases the commander’s are taught.
86. All Israeli curses are in Arabic.
87. Take the extra 5 minutes ahead of time to do things right.
88. Guard duty = playing with kittens
89. Commanders are always hotter on the other side of the base.
90. You will go crazy guarding three hours alone.
91. It’s really depressing to have to tell people there are no jobs in America and that it’s not really the land of opportunity anymore.
92. The army has it’s own brand of justice, and it’s unintelligible.
93. It is impossible not to play with your weapon.
94. For Israelis, poop time is also smoke and talk to your girlfriend time.
95. Israel is a very special place.
96. I cannot shave everyday- I have to anyway.
97. People will steal your shit, mostly your toilet paper.
98. Everything the army gives you is smelly and incredibly flammable.
99. They put soda water in the food to keep your from getting morning wood.
100. I am the foreign guy who messes up all the curses and idioms
101. You never really know what you’re capable of until you have someone pushing you.